AZrider

Um, I Guess That Worked

Well, I feel quite foolish at this point, because apparently it worked.  Here, I had anticipated embarking on this epic journey to battle bureaucracy, and it seems to have ended with a phone call.  Quite an anticlimactic ending, but I’ll take it.  For now, the barking dog has ceased.  Yeah!

There is no Freaking Preface!

Good Morning, Stacey!

At your incessant urgings, I went to read the preface of J.L. Moreno’s “Who Shall Survive - Student Edition” and there is no freaking preface!

There’s a “Frontispiece,” whatever a frontispiece is, then “Contents,” followed by “Editor’s Note,” “Introduction to the Student Edition,” “Foreword to the First Edition,” and then, “Foreword to Third Edition.” Yeah, that’s right, no “Foreword to the Second Edition.” This is already screwy and I’m not even to pages with real numbers yet, but I’m doing it and you’re encouraging me and coming along!

Sheriff’s Department

I love the show, Reno 911, and whenever I think, “Sheriff’s Department,” all I can hear is Lieutenant Dangle’s voice in my head, saying “Sheriff’s Department,” and I just crack up. So, I was in a somewhat jovial mood when I called the Sheriff’s Department (can you hear it? man, it just cracks me up).

So, I go call the Sheriff’s Department (pardon me, I’m just gonna lose it) - I am beginning to see some of the effects of being woken up twice before the alarm clock - I’m getting delirious. I get myself together and prepare for a unfulfilling experience, followed by having to bother good Officer Busby. I call the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department at 602-876-1011.

The woman who answered sounded friendly and competent. No easy feat, considering all she said was, you guessed it, “Sheriff’s Department.”

I told her my plight and she asked a few good questions and promised to send someone out to check on it. Really? It’s that simple? I could have done this weeks ago? Hard to believe. Okay. I guess we’ll see.

At this point, it was about 6am, time for me to be up anyhow and I decided I’d start chronicling this epic. Maybe it will make a good movie some day. It’s about 8am now and I don’t hear the dog, but I’m also several rooms into the house and probably have sufficient sound cushioning.

However, I have not heard any cussing from my husband’s general direction and that’s all good!

Dog Whisperer - Can You Speak Up?

2.48 am and my First Mission begins. Yap yap yap yap yap. Time to roll. I look at the clock and cannot believe that it’s not even 3 in the morning. It must be a mistake. That dog has got to be confused. It’s not even time for him to be up yet. I’m going back to sleep! No, I cannot go back to sleep, that’s how this got so frustrating in the first place.

I got dressed, got in the car, and went down to the Tempe Police Station.

I pull into the parking lot and the first spot is a handicapped spot, there are about a half-dozen police cars parked in the lot, then there are a couple of open spaces, but they are marked reserved for crime-fighting vehicles. I go around to the back of the lot where an officer is sitting in a truck, but I don’t bother him yet, thinking I’ll find a spot eventually. Nope. I end up having to exit the lot and try the whole durn thing over again and when I get to the officer a second time, I figure I better address him before he locks me up for crazy driving. He instructs me to park in one of the “Crime-Fighting” spaces. Yeah, that’s right. I’m a Crime Fighter!!!

So, I go around to the front of the building and try to open the door. Locked. Locked? Can a police station be locked? Well, I guess so, but like is it just locked or is it “closed?” Can police stations be closed?!?!

There happens to be a call box on the front of the building. On the box are two buttons, one big huge red button, that says both “help” and “call” on it in some way, and a smaller, black button, that says, “info.” I am hesitant to press either one, but now I’m nervous standing out on the street at 3am. I felt safe when I thought it was a police station, but if it’s just a closed building, this isn’t much safer than being in Guadalupe at 3am.

So, I go for “info,” and the red area actually lights up and something like “placing call” also lights up.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Oh crap! “This isn’t an emergency,” I say, quickly.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“This isn’t an emergency,” I repeat, loudly.

I begin to explain that I’m standing at the police station and I just want to talk to officers about a barking dog problem and I didn’t mean to call 911 and blah blah blah, and the guy interrupts me, “I can’t hear you, ma’am.”

Well, I’m talking on your call box and it’s 3 in the morning and I don’t wanna be yelling in the neigbhorhood, but as long as I now also have a flashing blue light going off on this thing - yes, at some point, a flashing blue light started and that was quite embarrasing for a moment, until I realized that there really wasn’t anyone around to see it, then it was more disconcerting.

I imagined myself as a rape victim or someone who had just escaped a kidnapper, finally ran to the police station for safety, then standing at this frickin’ thing with a blue light going off and some dude on the other side saying he couldn’t hear you. Meanwhile, your raised voice and the blue light would alert your attacker to exactly where you got off to. Thanks, lady, that blue beacon really helped me find you.

Oh yeah, but anyway, about the dog. The 911 guy asked me about my phone several times during the conversation despite my repeated explanations that I was on the police callbox. Eventually, the 911 guy explained I’d have to call the Sheriff’s Department and he gave me the number to the Sherrif’s office. At the end of that, an officer pulled up and listed to the end of my conversation.

When he got out of his car, after I was off the phone with the 911 guy - oh wait, I forgot something - while I was on the call box call with the 911 guy, the call box actually went dead and the call dropped. I couldn’t believe that! I don’t know if he hung up on me or if there is a time limit on a call box or what, but that is another terrifying development to the rape victim fantasy, but anyhow, back to the dogs.

When the 911 call box dropped, I called the Tempe Police non-emergency number on my cellphone and was re-connected to the 911 guy who said he could hear me better. So, anyhow, after I got of the ‘phone’ phone with the 911 guy, Officer T. Busby tried to help me next.

We went through pretty much the same circle - You need the dog’s address, if it’s in Tempe we can help you, in Guadalupe, it’s the Sheriff’s Department, where is the dog? I don’t know. Well, call us if it’s in Tempe.

I explain that I’m standing on his doorstep at 3am as a compromise with my husband because what I wanted to do is to go find the dog’s address. He agreed with my husband that middle-aged white broads don’t go into Guadalupe looking for dogs at 3am. Okay, fine. Will you go with me, then? Um, no. I will help you look for it in Tempe. Well, fabulous, I’m back to where I started.

Eventually, he told me that if I called back today, he would actually come to my house and help me look for the dog, even though I wasn’t even in his beat. What a nice guy! I told him I would do that if I needed to. He and a fellow officer who had strolled up on the scene gave me numbers for the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department - 602-878-1011 and for Code Enforcement in Tempe, if that’s where the dog ended up being - 480-350-8372, and they gave me the Tempe non-emergency police number 480-350-8311, which I already had, and would have used, if I would have known what that call box would do if you just press, “info.” I guess I also found out that I live in B21, whatever that means, and that the police station is not located in B21.

I went home and went back to bed. At 5.45, our dog began his morning ritual yet again.

Ready for Adventure

I prepared myself for my first adventure by laying out a set of clothing on my nightstand and mentally preparing myself to just get up when the dog started barking. I wanted something that would be comfortable, yet maybe look sorta tough if I had to deal with any shady characters, so a pair of Champion sport shorts and a Harley Davidson tee-shirt were my choices.

Here’s the thing that makes our dog problem such a mess. We live in the city of Tempe. The dogs probably live in the city of Guadalupe. Tempe cops can’t go into Guadalupe. Guadalupe doesn’t have cops, they use the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department. So, you have to report the issue to the Sheriff’s Department, and you pretty much need to know where the dogs are located so you can tell the Sheriff where to go.

Well, to find out where the dogs are located, I’d have to go into Guadalupe, on foot or bicycle, at like 5 in the morning, to find the dogs. That actually sounded like a good idea to me on several of these mornings, although I added that I’d be taking a baseball bat with me, but Voice of Reason aka Lovely Husband, was against that plan.

But, I have to do something, so I guess I’ll start by going to the Tempe Police. I’ve got a police station nearby and I’ll just walk in there and talk to some of the cops and see if anyone will give me a ride into Guadalupe to find the address of that dog.

Bounty, the Dog Hunter

I have a barking dog problem in my neighborhood and I’m embarking on what I think will be a long, painful, and probably fruit-less endeavor, but I will at least feel better for having tried something, and I’m gonna drag you along.

I’m not really sure when it started.  It’s one of those things that really creeps up on you, and by the time you get motivated to do something about it, you’re homicidal, or dogicidal, as the case may be.

I would guess that it probably started about 3 weeks ago.  A dog starts barking at about 5 in the morning and maybe it’s one of those mornings when I have to be up around 5 anyhow, so I don’t think much of it and go on with my life.  Maybe a couple more mornings happen that way that week and I still don’t really notice.  The following week, it probably happens again, but this week I don’t have to be up until 6, so I wake up to the barking dog, look at the clock, rejoice in the fact that I’ve got another hour to sleep, and go back to bed.  I probably have about a week of that until I come upon a day when I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn and I notice that dog barking from about 5 am until about 8am.  Man, that’s out of control!

So, probably a couple more of the 5am or 6am days go by and then another day comes that I don’t have to be up until 8 and this time the dogs get me up at 5 and now that I notice them, I notice that the barking simply doesn’t stop.  Yap yap yap yap yap.  Yap yap yap yap yap.  Yap yap yap yap yap.  Wow, that dog can go on a long time.  I wonder how long.  Turns out, it’s hours.  That’s amazing.  Well, maybe it will stop.

So, it happens a couple more times and I try to cope with it by being empathetic with the dog.  I wonder what that poor dog is thinking about that is making him bark and bark and bark.  Poor thing.  Yeah.  Poor thing.  Well, that works for a couple of days and then my empathy pretty much expires.

So, it’s about 3, or maybe 4 weeks of this, and I have had it.  I’m gonna go find that dog, and it’s owner, and put an end to both of them.  Well, that’s insane.  I love dogs, so I’m certainly not gonna hurt a dog, and the dog and owner are probably located in Guadalupe, a predominantly Mexican community that I have been warned, repeatedly, to stay out of at night.  So, I do nothing, and you know how satisfying that is.

Well, one morning my husband wakes up, cussing up a storm, and now I know that dog has to quit.  The barking, I can somewhat tolerate, but my cussing husband, my sleep-deprived husband, my waking-up-in-a-foul-mood husband, is going to require some solution to this problem.

Enter, “Bounty, the Dog Hunter.”

DAY ONE HUNDRED FORTY - LONG - 26.2 MILES AT 5.25 MPH - Ten of 10 Long Runs

I only woke up 13 hours ago, but I hope to get this report done before I head right back to bed.

The Marathon went really well. I finished in 4 hours, 50 minutes and 36 seconds, which was under my 4:59 goal. I was very happy about that. I did not suffer any calamities, injuries, or insults, and other than being really tired right now and a little sore, I feel fine.

I had gone over to my mom’s house the night before and had her decorate me with Sharpie markers. I put “THANKS” on my right inner arm so I could raise my hand to my head and show my gratitude for all the police officers, cheerleaders, water stations, musical bands, other volunteers, and enthusiastic fans. That was a big hit. People really liked being thanked and they yelled louder and longer, which really helped me.

In tribute to my dad, we put “I (heart) U DAD” on the outside of my right arm and hopefully that will show up in the race photos. I also, inadvertently discovered that Sharpies do block some UV rays and I now have “DAD” sunburnt onto my arm. It’s good to know that even death won’t keep him from hassling me. She also put “I LOVE YOU” down my left calf and “DAD” down my right, so whoever had the misfortune of being behind me for half a day got to see that for 26 miles.

On my left inner arm was my ‘cheat sheet’ for who was going to be out on the course to cheer me on and where I could expect to see them. It wasn’t that the list was so long that I couldn’t memorize it, but when I do these long runs, I find it almost impossible to remember even the simplest of things.

Also in tribute to “R” (short for “Arlen,” my dad), I wore a hatband that said, “Will run for chocolate.” (It was that one or “Running is cheaper than therapy” and I decided against that one because I’m not even sure that’s true after the entry fees, shoes, pants, shorts, shirts, hats, MP3 player….)

My supporters were spaced out perfectly. My mom stepped repeatedly out of her comfort zone and not only got up EARLY on her DAY OFF, but she DROVE into DOWNTOWN and waited in the COLD for a REALLY LONG TIME at a SPORTING EVENT to make sure she saw me at about the 2-mile mark. Thanks, Mom!!!

Next up was Kim Obitz, a fellow psychologist who volunteered to come out to a stage near her home, at about the 7-mile mark. I was worried that there was a lot of distance between my Mom and Kim, but those early miles actually came quite easily and I was just enjoying the course, the cheerleaders, the bands, and watching people watching people (Yes, spellcheck, I meant to say that twice). Kim had a neon sign with my name on it and that really gave me a huge boost. I was so happy to see her! Thanks, Kim!!!

Wisconsin friends, (and newlyweds) Anne & John Spahr wanted to do long-distance support and figured out where I would be when they were in church, just before the service started, so they could send me some especially good vibes. There was a spring in my step around Mile 10, thanks to their prayers. Thanks, Guys!!! (Oh yeah, and Thanks, God, too!!!)

My neighbors, Angie & Efren, planned their spectating around their daughter’s nap time and they chose a great band with a Latin Beat around the Half-Marathon mark. I was actually doing so well at that time that I came through earlier than predicted and surprised them. I’m so glad they were there early! Thanks, Neighbors!!!

Although it was a full 7 miles until my next supporters, fellow therapist Grayce Gusmano and her husband Ron Pennington, by that time, I couldn’t do simple math any longer and I somehow had it in my head that Mile 20 was only 4 miles away from Mile 13. (It is just incredible how the brain’s higher functioning will just give way when it is diverting all of it’s energy to simply staying alive.) Anyhow, I spotted Grayce and Ron and gave them both a hug, I was so happy to see them. Thanks, Guys!!!

During that 7-mile / 4-mile stretch, I was a little loopy and was just starting to zone out a little, when all of a sudden, there was a horse. A spectator had ridden her horse to the event, I guess, and there he was, standing on the sidewalk, watching the race. I am such an animal freak, all I could think of was, “I’m petting that horse.” I started to think maybe that lady didn’t want random strangers just coming up to her horse and petting it, and then I thought, “then she shouldn’t bring him out to an event with 30,000 participants,” as I made a bee-line towards the horse. Before I even had a chance to ask her if I could, she was telling me I could pet him and giving me all of his vital information, including his name, “Charlie Horse,” which I thought was incredibly funny, at a marathon where charlie horses (leg cramps) brought a number of talented athletes to the ground over the next 6 miles.

Luckily, my next supporter, art therapist, Camille Smith, was only about another mile and a half away. I really wanted to walk at that point, but I didn’t want her to ‘catch’ me walking, so I kept shuffling along. It really was incredibly helpful to know there would be people out there watching me. I can’t believe how much that helped. I really appreciated it. Thanks, Camille!!!

From this point on, it gets a bit dicey. I missed seeing my next supporters. I don’t know if they were there or not, but I didn’t see them. I’m afraid I came through too early and that they were not there yet. If that’s the case, sorry I missed you, but not too sorry, because it meant I was doing well. It was helpful knowing you would be there, so thanks for thinking of me!!!

Next, I didn’t have confirmation from my next supporter, so I didn’t actually know if he’d be there. However, I just pretended like he would and I tried to keep going. However, I was really pretty shot by that time, so I did a fair amount of walking. I rationalized a little bit because I was really doing well on my time and I had plenty of time to spare and still hit my goal. However, I did milk it a little too much and I was also having a heck of a time getting going again after a short period of walking, so I decided I better quit that, if I could.

I couldn’t. I walked a number of times over the next mile or two and when it came time to see my friend, I dutifully started running again. I don’t yet know if he was there, but I didn’t see him, if he was. That was somewhat of a relief and I used it as an excuse to just start walking again, until I remembered I was trying to quit that. So, I tried, as best I could, to keep moving through the last few miles, knowing I had potentially one more supporter to see, very near the end.

I saw a stage coming up and the mileage didn’t seem right, but I ran anyhow in case my friend was there, but she wasn’t. Turns out I had the wrong stage. So, here comes the right stage and I need to keep running in case she was there. She wasn’t, but just knowing that she could be there was motivation enough to have kept me running through two stages, so I even appreciate knowing someone was supposed to be there. When I got home, I saw that I got a text message from her, saying she was at a dead stop in traffic. I totally believe that. Trying to leave the Marathon grounds after the race, I probably could have gotten home faster on foot than I did in the shuttle buses, then having my husband come pick me up from the Buttes, a nearby hotel. So, thanks for trying anyhow, your support was still felt!!!

Each year, there are a few participants who take the “Rock and Roll” theme very seriously and 4 friends did a great job of dressing as Cher, Janice Joplin, Cyndi Lauper, and Brittany Spears. The gal who dressed as Cher was actually wearing velour bell-bottoms, a tiny velour top, and a feathered headdress. How she ran in that, I’ll never know. I only saw her at the finish line. The Brittany Spears was freaking hilarious. The woman, wore a bald cap, obnoxious glamor sunglasses, handcuffs, and then had two baby dolls, tied to a long string, tied to her wrist, and she dragged these baby dolls on the ground as she walked. Again, I don’t know if she ran dragging those dolls, but if she did, that was just hilarious.

As part of this goofy essay contest where I was designated as a “Marathon All-Star,” I got three of the major perks this weekend. First, I was invited to the Elite Athlete / VIP dinner on Friday night at the Biltmore. That was a hoot. It was 2 dozen Ethiopians and Kenyans, another 2 dozen international athletes, about thirty young women with legs up to their necks, a dozen or so buff guys, some press people, executives from the corporate sponsors, Mayors of the 3 cities through which the course would run, and me and two other dorks that wrote essays. We were seated with Olympic Gold Medalist, Frank Shorter. Poor Frank! I’m not sure who he pissed off to get that punishment, but he managed it about as well as he could.

My pseudo-buddy, Fox 10’s Ron Hoon, served as MC for a short program that included some hijinks by the Tempe Mayor, Hugh Hallman, in which he invited Bert Vivian (President of P.F. Chang’s) up to the stage with him, and it looked like maybe he was gonna give Bert an award, but he basically just had Bert hold his clothes while he stripped down from sensible dinner attire to running gear. About midway through, Bert’s line, “Um, I’m getting kinda uncomfortable with this” had the crowd in stitches.

My other two priceless luxuries were to be admitted to the VIP hospitality areas at the start and the finish. Man, I will have a hard time going back into the general population next year. Before the race, they had us INSIDE the AZ Mining Museum with REAL FOOD and REAL BATHROOMS and it was WARM. We just walked out the front door of the museum and got into our starting corrals when it was time. No standing outside in the cold, wondering how long you can wait to take off your warm gear, get it to the gear trucks, and still get back in time to start the race, but not so early that you have to stand there a long time in just your running clothes.

I was really starting to feel like a VIP until I came around a corner and saw a fantastic young woman with about 3% body fat, with what appeared to be a team of handlers. Several were organizing her gear and one was rubbing her down with anti-chafing body lubricant. Um, yeah, I forgot to bring my team of handlers, what am I doing in the VIP area again?!?!

After the race, the VIP area had TABLES and CHAIRS and MORE REAL FOOD and FREE BEER and CHAMPAGNE and COOKIES and BROWNIES and the tables even had FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS. Had the day been colder, they were even prepared with outdoor heaters, but the weather was so great they didn’t have to use them. I ran into Hugh Hallman in the VIP area and tried to take our photo with my $10 mini-digital and I’m afraid this was all I got.

I also want to thank everyone who send good wishes, words of encouragement, and wanted to be out there today, but couldn’t. I had a great time and am glad to have had this experience. Unofficial race results are already posted, and race photos (bib 50190) will follow in about 2 weeks.

DAY ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-NINE - REST

I am going to be so happy (and sad) when this is all over.  I can’t wait for it to be done, though.

DAY ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-EIGHT- REST

 I am ready and really enjoying these rest days!

DAY ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-SEVEN - EASY - 5.7 MILES at 4.5 MPH

Uh, yeah, I skipped this.  I had just had enough, I guess.  I think I’m ready for the marathon and I think I’ll just take the extra rest rather than try to do one more run.  We’ll see if I regret it come race day or not.